rolling fields of grains, grasses, and wildflowers behind a barbed wire fence
I work with adults who are going through the transition of becoming parents. Before birth, the prenatal time, and after birth, the postpartum time, all come under the umbrella of perinatal, quite literally the time before and after birth. This is a unique and precious time- not precious as in always delightful and joyful, with bows and coordinated nurseries, but precious as in Sacred. Here’s the deal. Sacred is the power or realm understood to be at the core of existence and to have a transformative effect on our lives or destinies. The perinatal time of life is one of the most transformative times of our lives. I’m on a mission to reclaim this sacredness.
No one says sacred is easy. Creating life can be messy, joyful, tumultuous, and not always what we expect. We are nurturing the life of our baby while developing our own internal parenting part, all at the same time. There is tremendous growth happening, everywhere! For some, there’s an internal reaction when we hear ourselves act or sound like a parent that we swore we’d never act like. It might creep up in bits and pieces, but it can seem huge and often immobilizing. We might even long for our parent or our idealized parent and experience grief when we can’t be with them.
A team of developmental psychologists at the University of Denver put together a study of how mothers’ brains change during the perinatal period. The results suggest that “the first few months of motherhood are accompanied by structural changes in brain regions implicated in maternal motivation and behaviors.” They found “increased activity and growth in the prefrontal cortex, parietal lobes, and midbrain areas.” Essentially, this is the part of our brain Dr. Dan Siegel, father of Interpersonal Neurobiology and development, calls the “social brain.” This is the part that’s responsible for empathy, attunement, emotional regulation, and integration, and it’s growing at an astounding pace. In fact, we lose our memory around less socially minded facts like, where we left the keys… or the car… in what’s been dubbed, “Mom brain.” The study refers to this as grey matter that’s pruned away, temporarily, as we build the developmentally fundamental, necessary muscle of connection, through our ability to nurture and attune to our baby. This is how new moms who may have lost track of things, can often decipher their baby’s intricately variable cries from a ways away, even while sleep deprived.
Here’s the link to the article:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4318549/
This time is a sensitive period of bonding with baby. Tending to his or her needs, preparing the way for him or her to acclimate to air, gravity, smells, sounds… the mom’s brain shifts to accommodate and anticipate baby’s needs. A mother’s brain literally grows, creating new synaptic connections, as she’s learning how to tend to every need of her completely dependent baby. This process can be intense! Even with a supportive partner or family, it’s the mom’s brain who senses first when the baby needs something. Her brain is primed to attune and provide support, immediately.
At any other time in a person’s life, when faced with such an immediate and swift change, they would be allowed breaks and weekends. Not so with a little one! Finding ways to soothe ourselves and tend to ourselves, when we’ve never before been stretched so thin, is a mother loving load of a challenge. Some mother’s don’t have the opportunity to experience a reprieve. They just have to keep on going. Other mothers get resourced through various means, filling their cups slowly. Luxuriating in the love many women naturally experience with their newborn helps this transition, tremendously.
One of the most healing medicines for the social brain, is secure, embodied relational interaction. Gathering with a sensitive, empathetic peers within the metaphorical arms of an experienced group leader, can go a long way to provide encouragement and lessen feelings of overwhelm. Being held and seen within these relationships is incredibly healing. Moms have the opportunity to be met with warmth, care, and gentle curiosity by the group. This process can undo less encouraging relational imprints that many might have absorbed or internalized. Through a healthy relationship with our self, we can better respond and attune to our baby in present time. It’s amazing how much more space you have when you’re no longer constantly preoccupied with the past and the future. The present moment is a balm. Then, being around other moms with their babies, maybe feeding them outside together for the first time, changing their diaper outside of home for the first time, gives an incredible amount of normalizing, which basically means that what was once new, different, maybe a little uncomfortable or scary, becomes natural.
I need to disclose my perspective. I’m also a trauma therapist. And, not just any kind of trauma. Complex or relational trauma, which is the type of trauma that affects the way we see ourselves, the way we relate to others, the experiences we have lived through that make up the very fibers of the fabric of our selves. This is fascinating- toothsome to me. With all of my clients, no matter what brought them my way, I constantly seek to understand their trauma print. I believe we all have some, whether it’s devastating or even just quietly hiding in the wings, waiting for its moment to pop out and steer the ship. It pulls our strings and guides our thoughts, feelings, actions until and unless we learn another way.
With this major life transition of motherhood, folks experience crisis, an abrupt change in life. Depending on how supported we are and how we relate to this crisis, it can develop into trauma. The perinatal time can also exacerbate our pre-existing relational trauma. Donald Kalsched writes, “relational trauma results from the fact that we are often given more to experience in this life than we can bear to experience consciously.” When a baby, or a very young child, experiences something that seems unbearable, they dissociate. It’s a life preserving mechanism that creates a split, in order for us to survive with our minds intact.
When we are very young, say infants or toddlers, our parental figures were like Gods to us. They were perfect! One reason could be that in order to survive, as social beings, we must be part of a family in order to make it when we’re very young- and even when we’re adult, to a lesser degree. Babies aren’t born walking or able to feed themselves. We are utterly dependent on our caregivers as infants, for better or for worse. The parents’ ways of interacting with us create a relational blueprint, which we ultimately replicate in the way we relate to ourselves. If a parent over time does things that are either harmful or not attuned with their child, the child experiences a loss. If the child is left alone with this loss, the message they can internalize is, “It’s my fault. There’s something wrong with me.” Over time, this can create a well paved pattern of shame and guilt, for no explicit reason.
Another way to look at this, is if a person doesn’t embody the belief that he or she or they are truly deserving of love, unconditionally, and if they soothe this belief by overcompensating, by taking care of 80% of the house chores, shouldering the invisible load of planning and organizing social time, caring for friends and extended family, setting medical appointments, etc., they will feel knocked flat during the perinatal period. During this time, a mom simply doesn’t have the energy, the time, nor the capacity to do all the things. However, through healing, by reconnecting to her inner wisdom, by being given the space to connect with herself in this Sacred time, with her baby, within a group of warm, accepting, and encouraging peers in a group led by a skilled, embodied leader, she can find her way. She can begin to feel what others know to be true: she is good enough. The “good enough mother,” a term created by Dr. D. W. Winnicott, psychoanalyst and parent infant therapist, describes a sensitive and responsive mother, but not a perfect one. With support, may we all have the grace to accept ourselves as we are, and grow over time, with patience, as we continually adapt to support the life force unfolding before us.
Molly Crenshaw, MA, LPC, has a private practice in Georgetown, TX, where she meets with adults, families, and groups from her virtual office. She holds groups for new families outside in the wild parts of Central Texas. You can find out more about her at www.mollycrenshaw.com.